he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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