Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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