Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Are my feet made of real feet?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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