Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
