I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
