He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
