hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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