No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
