there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
