Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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