Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
