I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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