Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
