well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
