ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
