I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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