I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You made out with two different species that night
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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