Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
