Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
