dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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