watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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