I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
