I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
