Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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