My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
