Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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