He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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