why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
