I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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