Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
