I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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