my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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