OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
