Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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