i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
