shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
