That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm experimenting with sincerity
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
