You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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