just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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