whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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