after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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