in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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