Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
