i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
