he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
