So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
