Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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