would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
