By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
