I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
