dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize