I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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