She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
