I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
