Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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