I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
