I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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