you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
